Tomorrow morning my step-sister is placing her newborn baby girl with a family in Utah. How ironic that within the same family you have two daughters-one wanting to adopt and the other placing her baby, and somehow the two aren’t connected at all.
Fortunately, Jon and I have thought about the possibility of adopting my stepsister’s baby and knew that this baby girl was not meant for our family. I’m happy she’s going to a good home and a better life. I’m happy to know that tomorrow morning a family is going to be changed forever. The moment they’ve prayed for and imagined is about to happen, thanks to my stepsister. I’m sad for my stepsister and that she really doesn’t understand the gift she’s giving this family. I’m sad that her life is so messed up and that she’s so quick to step back into the chaos and the desperation she’s created for herself. I’m sad for my mom and stepdad, that they’ll never see their granddaughter again-that in just a few short hours she’ll be someone else’s granddaughter. I’m intrigued at this unique perspective I have….feeling the excitement and celebration of adoption, and now this new feeling of loss…loss of a family member we’ll never get to know.
Adoption is such a complex thing. How interesting that the series of life choices my stepsister made that brought her such misery ultimately led her to this point where she is giving another family extreme joy.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this… Just lots of thoughts going on inside my head. I wish I could see things from Heavenly Father’s perspective. Everyone keeps telling me that the baby that is meant for our family will come to our family. So now I'm wondering-was this little girl meant for that family and my stepsister was just the vehicle to get her there? Is that how this works? What about free agency? What if my stepsister had opted to keep her baby? If she had kept her baby, does this mean that the baby really wasn't meant for that family or that my stepsister's free agency got in the way? I know Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us, but I wonder how many times our free agency has gotten in the way and so then does He have to just readjust that plan? How come a birthmom gets to decide who the next member of our family will be? Will she be guided by the spirit or will she just randomly choose us for some random reason...like my stepsister seemed to do. Even so, will that all be apart of The Plan or just a result of her agency? WILL IT ALL REALLY WORK OUT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO?
Whew! Sorry for all that. Any thoughts of yours will be appreciated. Just trying to work through some stuff, obviously. I do, however, know that we're here to teach each other things. I know obstacles arrive in our lives to give us an opportunity to learn something. I really hope my stepsister’s learning all she’s supposed to. And most definitely, I hope I’m grasping all that’s intended for me with this huge obstacle in my life right now.
Happier post next time, I promise.
Race With the Devil [1975]
1 year ago
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16 comments:
Okay, so you've probably heard this a million and two times, BUT... I really do believe that the Lord knows us well enough to know what choices we'll make with our free agency. It's like knowing that Abbey will choose a chocolate chip cookie over a peanut butter one. I'm not much help, am I? Anyway, I hope that things work out for you guys - you deserve it.
I agree with your first comment to that Heavenly Father knows us well enough that even with free agency he knows what we eventually chose using our free agency. It's not like he forces us he just knows us like us moms know our children. Anyway, I was kind of struggling with this free agency thing too because my dad wasn't active my whole life growing up and was never a big church influental figure. My mom got some grief from other women saying how did she get so lucky to have all her kids stay strong and active in the church without a father who was active. Anyway, a little over a year ago after my dad got sick his heart softened and he decided it was time to get back into the church and eventually we were sealed as a family before he passed, but the sealer said something that has always stuck in my mind and that was "our family may have not been sealed our whole lifes but we lived like we were because Heavenly Father knew that eventually my father would have a change of heart. I was really struck by that comment because we still recieved the blessings of an eternal family even before we were sealed. Anyway, long story, but there is a baby that is meant to be with your family. The day will come
That's interesting that you have both perspectives - one as a prospective adoptive parent and another as a family member of a birthmom.
I have to believe that we'll get the child we're meant to have. Even though your stepsister seemed to make a random choice of the adoptive parents I don't really believe it was random. Just like in that book The Message - when the Senator was in his meeting and and his angel grandfather whispered in his ear that he had to go to the airport. Even though he thought he just remembered it, he was actually prompted. I think we're prompted to do and remember things more than we realize.
I agree with the other comments - people do have free agency but maybe Heavenly Father already knows what we're going to choose. We can only see one snippet of eternity - the present. He can see all of eternity - past, present, and future - all at the same time.
I remember sitting in seminary and arguing with the teacher because we were talking about Adam and Eve and that they had agency to choose. And my point was that if they had agency to choose, then why did everything on this earth and the whole plan was put in limbo based on that choice. He said that Heavenly Father new what was going to happen, before it happened and knew the choice that he would make. Me - then how was it agency if Heavenly Father already knew. Anyway I'm sure you get the idea. And after arguing for awhile, I shut down and didn't comment anymore because it was too confusing for me. I don't know if Heavenly Father knows every choice we make or if some of it is by circumstance, but I do know that every spirit needs a body, and we are given certain trials in our lives. We know what yours is, but would it be so bad if you received a baby by circumstance, rather than "destined to come to your family". The cool thing about it, is that we know that that baby is going to be in an awesome family and sealed to you forever. That's all that matters, right? We'll keep praying that she/he comes quickly. Love you.
Hi! You don't know me, but I am a friend of Janelle's and she sent me your blog. I am an adoptive mother and I wanted to just tell you that everything works out in the end. My husband and I have been 'waiting' for our next little baby to come home for over a year now and it is soooooooooooooo hard! So I just wanted to pass along a little cyber hug and tell you everything will be ok.
Hey Holly, I can totally sympathize with this post. I wonder a lot about those things some times and my own choices too. I'm sure you are familiar with the incredibly long list of preferences you "get to" mark on the adoption papers, I worry a lot about my choices there and what if I missed something. What if my "preference" screws up the plan? All I can say that I've learned though is that we just have to do the best WE can. Agency is a funny thing, we just have to try our best to make a good choice which is what all birthmothers do. They try their best to make a good choice in providing a life they can't. I also believe Heavenly Father has a hand in all of our lives even when we don't recognize it or understand it. Good Luck with everything.
Holly- My heart aches for you. I wish so much that I could remove this trial from you. As a mother I plead with Heavenly Father that he will bless you and Jon with a sweet baby soon and after all the tears and begging I place it in his hands- our Heavenly Father- who knows us better than we know ourselves and I accept his will for I know that he is watching over us and he love us because we are his children. Agency is our gift from God from before the world was created and our Father knows all things from the beginning to the end. I like the comparision with the chocolate chip and the peanut butter cookie. I believe Heavenly Father knows us that well too. You will be blessed with the righteous desires of your heart. Move forward with faith and all things will come together for your good. I love you, Mom
Ok, so I feel like I know you better after hanging out with you today, I really enjoyed that by the way, I hope you guys had fun...
Your mom's post was sooo sweet, how hard for her to watch one daughter want something so bad and the other daughter giving up that same thing... What a complicated situation for everyone involved. I am so sorry for you, and what you have to go through, and I don't know how it all works. I am often confused by the same questions you and many people asked... But I guess I just have to believe and have faith that it will workout, however it needs to work out. Which isn't always comforting I know...
I am really excited to get to know you better though. Ya know sometimes you feel like you meet someone and you know you were supposed to meet? I felt like that today. Total cheese? Sorry...
Good luck with it all! By the way, I just ordered that book! Thanks!
My comment is the same one that has been given. We have our agency, but the lord also knows what choice we will make. It is hard to comprehend though because how can he let so many of his children go know that he will never get them back? I also wanted to let you know that I finished "The Message" and would love to talk sometime!
Okay I just sat and cried through your entire post. I may not be going through the trial of waiting for my child, but I am right there struggling with the free agency question right now. I am so grateful for your post because all of your comments have helped me. Aww, I'm trying to type through tears(It's hard work) but I also have a strong feeling of peace-FINALLY! I KNOW that you will get your little miracle. I feel so sure of that. This trial of patience is a hard one, I know that you will endure to the end of it and your rewards will be immeasurable. I pray for you everyday. I love you, your friends love you and your family loves but your Heavenly Father loves you beyond your comprehension. Your blessings WILL come! Thank you for your post!
Oh, Holly! I cried through your post because I know how raw and painful these feelings are.
When we found out about our infertility I was devastated. I felt a sadness so deep that I wondered if I'd ever really known what sadness was before. I questioned why this was happening to me, why I was being punished and (most confusing and hurtful) why God was preventing me from keeping the commandment of having a family. We know our Heavenly Father's plan is so much about families and all we hear in relief society is about how important it is to be a good mother, so I was feeling really lost. And it certainly doesn't make it easier that everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant, sometimes unplanned and sometimes a pregnancy they don't even want. I'd ask a million times "Why her and not me?" (In retrospect I know Owen was the answer to all the "WHY" questions I asked, but at the time it definitely isn't that clear.)
During all of this, I had a wonderful bishop who was kind and genuinely understanding. One particularly low day he gave me a blessing that was the total turning point for me in coming to terms with our infertility and wholeheartedly embracing adoption as the right answer for us. In the blessing I was told that I would find peace as I began to understand that my part in our Heavenly Father's plan was to afford someone else their free agency.
Since then I've thought a lot about the interdependency of agency and God's will, and how Heavenly Father does know the choices we'll make and lays out a plan that will be best for us based on those choices. In our case, I know His plan included trials and great blessings and interwove the lives of a lot of people in ways you'd never expect. We needed our sweet birthmom to make a series of choices for us to become a family, and she needed us to make a series of choices so we could be available to parent the child she loved but knew she couldn't provide everything she wanted for. In every way possible she is a miracle to us, but after just the brief conversation I was able to have with her, I know she felt like finding a family that would love her baby unconditionally was a miracle to her. We needed each other. Does that make sense?
I don't want to share (on a blog) a lot of personal details about our birthmom or how we were chosen, but I can say that she didn't pour over hundreds of profiles and then feel like we were "the ones." In fact, it was pretty unlikely that we were connected with her at all. To most people it would seem like we got Owen entirely by chance. But I can tell you that there were so many little miracles and so many impressions and feelings leading up to our placement, that I know beyond question that Owen was meant for our family. When you have YOUR baby, I know you'll feel the same way!
Hang in there, friend! I'm praying for you and love you!
I am really at a loss for words right now. I too got teary eyed and goosebumpy reading your thoughts. You are so strong to realize that this baby was not meant to be yours, but I have NO doubt that Heavenly Father will bless your home with the "right" one. Stay strong! You are beautiful inside and out! I LOVE YOU!
Ugh, Holly. Its one of those things that words wont help, I know. I am floored that your step sister decided to not give the baby to your family. And also amazed at how strong you both are to be as ok as you can be with this decision.
If you ever need someone to vent to, Im your girl. :) Until then, I will just keep praying for you guys! Love you!
Holly, I just feel like crying for you when reading this post. I'm sure you probably feel so frustrated and confused. it's so hard to see the forest through the trees.
All I know is you already are an awesome mom and person and heavenly father knows that. and I know there is a plan. And I like what Wendy said, I think we have NO IDEA how much influence is on the other side help and guiding us. good luck and I hope you feel some peace of mind. Katie
Holly, I know I have said this a thousand times but I really believe we end up with the kids we are supposed to have. You didn't end of with Isac by some fluke and you won't end up with your son or daughter by a fluke either. I really believe this more after having Maleen placed with us. Lets face it a caucaisan baby girl is not what we expected. We expected an African American infant or toddler and were willing to accept all kids of disabilities. We should have had a placement right away and we had several potential placements fall through. The situation that worked out was our baby girl and we know she is ours.
When Marcus was sealed to us our sealer told us that by having Marcus sealed to us it was the same as if our blood flowed through his veins and that for now on that is how our Heavenly Father viewed our family. At the end of the day what matters is that these sweet kids are ours for eternity whether by chance or destiny we are a family.
If you want it that same blessing is there for your family.
It's amazing to think about but thank goodness that little baby wasn't brought into her mother's bad life. Someone else can accept that joy in a way your step sister never would have been able to at this point. I can't wait for you guys to get another bundle of joy!!! I can just tell you are the very best mom! You're the type that will never have to regret not doing too many fun things and spending too much time with little Isaac. He'll realize someday how dang lucky he is!!!!!
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